guilty

so here is a little confession from yours truly.. it isnt pretty..

So i have been tryin to do this lately.. 

im trying everything possible to replace this fear 

i have of the unknown with anything i can grab on to..

and curiosity seems to be ok for now.. 

wait what? 

i need to be shaken..  this picture looks creative and cool and almost had me fooled for a second.. but i see through its unique and artistic allure of just go with the flow mentality, be curious, dont fear.. 

being curious is not wrong bad or dangerous.. but not giving something up to the Lord can be..


and im guilty 

it was after i posted this picture to my facebook that i realized i am a daughter of the most high.. WHAT AM I DOING?  i dont fear.. and i most certainly dont need to cover up a feeling with another more glamourous version.. i need to cling to the cross in my desperate moments and realize im not giving him everything.. 
im still trying to carry my burdens..  im still trying to have control..  and im definitely not dealing with the real issue, which is my lack of faith and my ever growing unbelief.. 

i need to surrender and be honest with God about the fear and lack of trust ive been carrying around. 

see you cant say your trusting in the Lord and be sweating bullets due to the amount of stress and anxiety you have.. i dont think it works that way.. 

when you truly are trusting in the Lord there is an ease and peace that comes in the midst of chaos and the unknown.. thats how i know it anyway..

and i have been believing and trusting with my mouth but not with my actions.. my spirit hasn't been at rest since i've been home..  i feel like i have been treading water..  i have been doing everything just to stay afloat.. 

ding ding ding*

God is just waiting for me to tucker out, and say i cant do this anymore.. im tired.. its yours..  i feel like a sign of my immaturity as a believer is that i still fight in giving him stuff... geerr i dont even realize im doing it until i'm out of breath and at the bottom of the pool.  

i need to remember what i have been promised.. 

i am chosen. i have refuge in him. i have purpose. i am never left nor forsaken.

i need to take a deep breath and TRUST... and not with my words.. but with my actions and with my spirit. 


so whats your cover up?  mine was fear of the unknown covered up with curiosity.. i encourage you whatever it may be, big or small, give it to the Lord and allow him to exchange the pressure, the burden, the hurt, the anxiousness with his peace, his assurance, his promises, his goodness and his faithfulness.  


love,
a ex- missionary just trying to figure it out one day at a time : )